I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You are a genius and a whore.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
