If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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