you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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