he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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