Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Randomize
