And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
worst night to have a conscience
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
