highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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