he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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