Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
