omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
