i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
