how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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