New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize