Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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