I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
