I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
