Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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