I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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