It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
