how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
