Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
