I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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