he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
