Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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