On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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