I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
