uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
