dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
