I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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