You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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