I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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