His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
