did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I AM VODKA MAN
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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