Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
