Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
