Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
