apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
