The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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