someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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