Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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