ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
