Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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