I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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