Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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