i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
