Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
