Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
