I'm sorry my penis didn't work
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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