I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Bring me that man meat
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
