Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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