I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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