im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
