I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
