I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
