she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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