I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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