My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
