Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
