I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
