Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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