I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
