My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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