I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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