Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
