Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
