I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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