I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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