You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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