I wannas sexs uuuuu
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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