my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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