I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
