We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
