you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
