there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
